Dear Remus,
by Cinderstorm
Summary: Sirius is gone, he thought leaving would protect Remus. Remus is hurt, and directionless. James, doesn't know what to do, as usual.   But when a new man comes into Remus's life what will happen?  SB/RL slash, don't like, don't read.  Please R & R.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Remus

How do I start this? How do I even begin? I guess I should start at the beginning, but where is that? Was it the time we first saw each other, our first full moon together, or was it our first kiss? Definitely the last one. I can still see James's face when we first told him we were gay, how he laughed. It seemed impossible even to us, didn't it? The womanizer I pretended to be, the quiet, bookworm you were. How could we be together, how could we love each other? I don't know; what I do know is that I did love you. Scratch that I do love you; but we can't see other anymore. It's too dangerous; me being who I am will get you killed faster than be a werewolf ever would. We being what we were, that'll just kill you faster. I'm leaving.

Goodbye, my love

Wishing I could still be yours,

Sirius

Remus read the letter over, and over, unable to register the words written on the page. His body began to shake with tears that wouldn't fall; then he growled, anger welling up inside him. It wasn't fair, Sirius' leaving would kill him, just as when in seventh year Remus had tried to break up with Sirius to save him from his 'furry problem.'

He recalled that day with a a tight lipped smile, he had gone to the fence by the Shrieking Shack, since he knew Sirius would have gotten his letter at breakfast, the shack would be the last place any of the Marauders would expect him to be. He had been wrong.

He had been standing under the tree for half an hour when suddenly, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, and pulled him into a passionate but angry embrace. Sirius pulled back, and hissed into his ear, "How dare you, try to leave me, because of"

Remus had cut him off with another kiss just as angry, "How dare you try to stop me." he said back seriously, "I'm dangerous to be around."

"So am I." he had said back, just as seriously as he traced his lovers' face, stopping at his eyes, "You're eyes are the colour of chestnuts."

Remus had smiled a sad little, smile, "Sirius."

"Sssh, I know what you're going to say, but the fact still remains I'm just as dangerous as you are, maybe even more so."

That had been their first fight; but this was the worst. This wasn't some passing thing, Sirius had obviously planned this out, while they had still been together.

"How could he do this to me. I should have known, him leaving for an unknown place on such short notice, mission for the Order, yeah right. How could I not have seen this coming?"

"Moony? Moony? What's wrong? You look as if..."he trailed off, noticing the letter, clutched tight in his friends' hand.

"As if what?" Remus asked almost mockingly, "As if I lost my best friend?" he started shaking again, real tears flowing hard, and fast down his face.

"Remus," said James looking empathic, "I'm so sorry." he sat down next to his friend, putting his arm around him as he did so.

"D, d," he paused gulping for air, "Did you know?"

James stayed silent for a minute, "No. I wish I had though, I would have told you, or made him stay. Something, he had no right to do this to you." he said quietly stroking his friends hair like he was a little child, "It'll be all right Remmie, I promise." James whispered as Remus fell into a troubled sleep right next to him.

"He'll come back." James said, more for his own benefit than for anyone else's, "I hope."


	2. Personal Renaissance

**Hey guys, Cinderstorm here, I just posted this and I'm getting story alerts. That makes me so excited. **

**Disclaimer: Sort of forgot this with the first chapter, but I do not in any way shape or form own any part of the Harry Potter Franchise, I wish I did thought. **

**Special shout out to: **_sezza23, animaniac148, TimeAndRhythmDoesIndeedSleep, and imSiriuslyLupin4you._ **You guys are seriously awesome Enjoy the nest chapter, and please R & R.**

**Chapter 2: Personal Renaissance**

Remus rolled out of bed for the first time in three weeks, with a listless manner, and a depression like Marina's Trench inside his heart. He dragged himself through a routine of some sort which included half heartedly brushing teeth, showering, and getting dressed. He appeared in his kitchen wearing a grey sweater, "Grey the colour of his eyes." he drew in a sharp breath, tears threatening to roll down his newly scrubbed face. Then, with no warning at all a surge of anger thundered through him; his heart was pounding. "How dare he?" yelled Remus to the empty house, "How could he leave me?" then he had a sort of epiphany, Sirius had known the consequences of his actions, yet he had still followed through with them. Had he wanted Remus to suffer? Was it someone else? Or could he just not deal with the fact that his partner was a halfbreed? "It all comes back to that doesn't it, I'm a half breed, that no one could love." he mimicked himself in a harsh tone.

He straightened up, no tears threatened to fall now, he would survive. No more blaming the beast inside of him; no more wondering. If he went on like this he would ruin his life, it wasn't fair. Sirius would live without him, no doubt happy to be free, with some other man; but he, Remus was expected to wallow in self pity, for the rest of his days. He was supposed to stay the goody goody he'd been at Hogwarts never defying rules, or his friends. "It all stops now!" declared Remus with that he grabbed his cloak from the hook on the wall, and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron.

As he twisted, and turned through time his thoughts felt like a medley of colours, and emotions. Strangely though, when he set foot onto the ground, the one emotion he did not feel was guilt; a deep sadness, a wary joy trying to poke through the cloud of sorrow; but no guilt, none at all. Sure, he still loved Sirius, but if his love was allowed to leave so was he, no guilt trip needed.

He walked up to the bar, got a shot of Firewhiskey, and turned on a stool to survey the room. A couple of vaguely familiar faces smiled at him; some sympathetic, some hadn't heard, so they just smiled at him. He smiled wanly back; not knowing what to make of the gestures of kindness or sympathy. Remus threw back the shot which blazed down his throat, and into his belly; making him feel alive again. The shine was back in his hazel eyes, as he left the pub, and waltzed down the cobbled streets of Diagon Alley.

He walked without direction, without routine; he seemed an entirely different person all together. Anyone who saw him now would do double takes for never had Remus Lupin paraded so proudly, so confidently, and alone too. Without any protection, without allies, he seemed reborn. As if he'd gone through a personal renaissance.

As he walked many eyes stared, but one particular set, the colour of ravens' wings, stayed on him, until he disappeared into the bustling, market crowd.

Regulus Black turned and vanished as well, a multitude of thoughts tumbling around in his head, the chief one being why he had become entranced with the ambling werewolf in the Alley. And why, could he not get the mans' image out of his head?


	3. I have a life too!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter but maybe I will get it for Christmas;) **

**Special shout out to: **_sezza23, animaniac148, TimeAndRhythmDoesIndeedSleep, and imSiriuslyLupin4you._ **You guys are siriously awesome Enjoy the next chapter, and please R & R.**

**Chapter 3: I have a life too!**

Regulus walked slowly back to the Leaky Cauldron, grabbed a shot of Firewhiskey, and brought it up to his room, so deep in thought he forgot to insult, the red headed mudblood who had walked to the portal to just as he exited it.

Lily Evans had always been a proud, though stubborn, intelligent girl, but when Regulus Black walked by her without a word she was stumped. "He could have meant ignoring me was the insult, but no," she shook her head, her brow creased in confusion.

"Talking to yourself again, Lils?" questioned a teasing voice, from the stall behind her.

She twirled in surprise, "Remus?" she said, incredulous, "What are you doing here?"

"What everyone else is doing. Relaxing on a Saturday afternoon." he answered in friendly tone; no hint sadness coated his words. Actually, he seemed more alive than she'd ever seen him, but something bugged her.

"Remmie? Are you, okay?" she asked, concern coming into her emerald green eyes.

" 'Course," he paused, then added, "why do you ask?" he fixed her with his light hazel eyes, a curiosity in their depths.

"Its just that, well, I expected," she couldn't finish not knowing what to say.

He however, got her message loud, and clear. His eyes seemed to close, harden from hazel to liquid chocolate. Quietly, he said, "You expected me to, what? Be sulking, be depressed?" he almost spat, "While he's off who knows where, living, am I supposed to grieve the rest of my life? Huh? I decided to live, alright. Is that a problem?" his voice rose in tone, "I do have a life, and from now on it'll be on my terms." With that statement he made as if to stalk off, but was blocked by Lily's knight in shining armor, James.

"James." Remus said to him, almost cooly,, knowing that he'd been standing there long enough to here, practically the whole conversation.

James, clueless in most social situations, actually had something to say here, and even stranger, it made sense. "No." he said, simply, "You're allowed to have your own life, but we're on your side here mate. What's with the yelling?"

Tension began to build after James spoke, his words hanging in the air, and Remus seemed to weigh each one in his mind before he did anything. Then, slowly he nodded as if registering James's words, and taking them to heart. The two friends gazed at each other a moment longer, before smiles broke out on both their faces. Lily began to laugh, which caused them to turn to her, shake their heads, walk over to her, and sling an arm over her shoulders. They walked like that all the way to Gringotts, where Remus left them to go off on his own, after reminding the lovebirds of the meeting of the Order that was to take place that very night.

Regulus strolled slowly, trying to look inconspicuous as he staked out the meeting place of the Order with some other deatheaters. Malfoy, their leader, had positioned each of them at different ends of the muggle street, so that they could ambush any members coming for a meeting since the meeting place its self was placed under the Fidelius charm. He stopped in his pacing when he heard strange voices, from round the corner, reaching out with a unique power unknown to the Dark Lord, and felt the auras around the approaching figures. He gritted his teeth envious of their pure gold shine that radiated around them; but they were wizards definitely. With those 'hearts of gold' they were also Order members. However, there were five of them, but with the element of surprise on his side Regulus decided to chance an uneven fight.

Leaping from his hiding place, he lashed out with a cry of "Stupefy!" as he always aimed to do as little damage to his victims as possible. One person fell, but the rest of them were quick to react. Blue light streaked from the wand of another hooded figure, while three other deatheaters leaped from the surrounding shadows. A fully fledged attack began between the two sides. However, when more Order members showed up the deatheaters were forced to retreat, but before that happened another event occurred. Regulus had become captivated in a close quarters combat with a hooded, member incased in a dark blue velvet cloak. As they twisted, and turned the hood fell from both their faces.

Both stood stock still, their gazes interlocked, something bordering on anger, or hatred was mirrored in both their eyes. Then, recognizing each other, Regulus stepped back, for some reason he couldn't bring himself to curse the person in front of him.

Regulus's black hair was swept off to the side, his eyes shining at the thrill of a fight, and Remus found himself becoming lost in them. Shock, registered in Remus's eyes, for he was staring straight at Sirius! He took a couple steps closer, then his vision cleared, it was Regulus, Sirius's younger brother. So why was he still feeling these fluttery feelings inside his stomach?

Just then retreat was called, and Regulus vanished. As both men lay down to go to sleep that night, all they could think of was the other persons' face. It was like they were permanently burned into each others retinas.

As he lay in his bed, Regulus made a vow, that the next time he saw Remus Lupin he would somehow permanently vanquish him from his mind. "What was so fascinating about the werewolf anyway, besides his walk, his face, his eyes." Regulus shook his head, attempting to clear his head, but all he could think of was how soft Remus's lips had looked in the moonlight. How he wished he could press against them with his own.

"No. I can't be in love, with Lupin, it's impossible. I'm just over tired that's all." he took a swig of sleeping potion, and lay down his head again, dreams already taking him over.

His dreams though, were filled with Remus Lupin, and himself, in a shack far from any other civilization.


	4. Dream Catcher

**Disclaimer: Only in my mind do I own Harry Potter. **

**Special shout out to: **_heiressofanor, WillowDream203, and lover-of-the-light, and Indigo Lily._ **You guys are siriously awesome, thank you for reading. Enjoy the next chapter, and please R & R.**

**Chapter 3: I have a life too!**

Remus woke up the next morning in a daze; his dreams had been torrents of memories from his Hogwarts days. Actually, just one day in particular. He sat down at his kitchen table, coffee in hand, and let the memory flow over him.

It had happened during his fifth year at school. It had been a hot day, during which all he wanted to do was stretch out under the willow tree by the lake, and sleep. James, and Sirius however, had had detention that day, and Peter had had homework, so Remus had plodded down to the lake all alone. He settled inside the protective circle of drooping willow branches, and lounged in the shade, a book in one hand.

The heat soon got to him, and he had drifted off to sleep. Remus never liked sleeping, every time he closed his eyes he seemed to relive the night he'd been bitten. The scent of blood would wash over him, putrid breath steam up his neck, but he could never escape the dream, until it saw fit to leave him. That day had been no exception.

He had tossed, and turned under the tree, trying to fight off a long lost foe, when something in the dream shifted. The Remus in the dream no longer felt death snapping at his heels; no longer heard the tearing of flesh. He twirled inside his head trying to find the source of the calm that had enveloped him, and saw someone. The figure, like a rabbit sensed by a fox, seemed to fade quickly from his minds eye, melting, but he had caught one glimpse of the mysterious wizard. His eyes. They had been the colour of ravens' wings. "Regulus." he breathed as he surfaced from the memory, tasting the mans' name on his lips. He leaned back in his chair and smiled slightly, "Well, that answers some questions." he stated to the empty air.

After that afternoon by the lake, he'd been come secretly obsessed with discovering who his 'guardian' angel was, but had long since given up hope. He'd never told Sirius about what had happened down by the lake; in fact he'd never told anyone for fear of losing the figure altogether.

A thought popped into his mind then, a particularly, uncomfortable one. "What if he had never loved Sirius? What if all this time he'd actually been in love with Regulus, but had never known it? Was it possible?" these thoughts tumbled around in his head, making his brain hurt, for a he knew the answers to the questions, oh, yes, he knew the answers to them, but he couldn't admit them. He could never admit them.

Regulus woke up at around noon, and moved slowly, to keep from worsening his already throbbing headache. He'd gotten barely any real sleep the night before, and his brain was whirling. Memories flashed through his head, like photographs in a muggle album; but one memory in particular kept coming back.

Finally, he gave in, took a seat on the hard wood floor, and let the memory of the first day he'd done a good deed eclipse him.

It had been a hot day, but it was even hotter with all the anger that was boiling in the Slytherin common room. Regulus had needed to escape for a while, so he had set off for his favourite spot on the lakeshore, praying that the Marauders hadn't overtaken it again. He was in luck, as he slipped under the willow branches he didn't see a single soul; of course he wasn't facing the lake. He'd brought a book with him, and had only read a couple chapters when he felt a tug in his mind. Like a distant call; it was a dream, a dream somewhere close needed to be changed. Regulus had sighed, and began to block it when he saw something he hadn't noticed before. Another book was laying at the side of the tree, facing the lakeside. A hand sat beside it, quietly, he slipped around the thick trunk to see Remus Lupin his brothers pet, sprawled on the grass. It was his dream that needed changing.

Intrigued Regulus had come forward, and gently, so as not to wake him, brushed his fingertips against the other boys' hand. The dream swallowed him up, as he too began to fight the dream monsters. Taking all the strength he possessed Regulus pulled slightly, and became an observer of the dream. It was not pretty, and all the malice he'd held for this boy was washed out of him as he watched. He resolved then to do something he'd never done before; change the dream to make it better. Summoning his draining power he pushed the dark thoughts away, and left only light, but he spent a couple seconds too many inside the boys' mind, for he was sure Remus had gotten a glimpse of him.

Terrified of being found out he'd withdrawn from his power as quickly as he could, attempting to erase all traces of himself. Then he had turned, and fled, not even bothering to pick up his book, about muggles from which he'd hoped to gain knowledge of their ways. He had ran flat out toward the castle, and never went near Lupin again if he could help it.

Remus, still at his kitchen table, waved him wand absently, and a small book flew through the air toward him. It was an advanced muggle studies text, that he had found that hot day after his encounter with 'the third kind'. He smiled thoughtfully, flipped open the book, and stared at the cover page, on which was written the initials R.A.B.

*And we all know what that stands for

Please Review, I'll give you virtual chocolate frogs


	5. Social Suicide

**Disclaimer: Own HP 1-7, but not the actual franchise; I wish **

**Special shout out to: **_Lizzy0308, TechNomaNcer28, and .chan.x._ **You guys are siriously awesome, thank you for reading. Enjoy the next chapter, and please R & R.**

**Chapter 4: Social Suicide**

Sunday passed in blur, what with more Deatheater meetings, dueling practice, and a party to contend with. Regulus hated parties, especially in this era when all the people involved would rather talk about the muggles they've killed or of their allegiance to the Dark Lord rather than simple things like quidditch or memories from their school days. Hogwarts. Another thing Regulus should add to his list of things NOT to think about. Ever since he'd reminisced about that day by the lake snatches of the past had been swamping him, day, and night; and every single thought contained some reference, be it direct or indirect to Remus Lupin.

Regulus was afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep a handle on any of his memories, and someone would read them, via occlumency. If they did there was no question that Regulus would be punished, severely. "Sometimes I wonder if being pureblood is all it's cracked up to be." he whispered as he button his white silk designer shirt, and faced the mirror, not recognizing the face that stared back at him.

Sighing he picked up his satin black jacket, swung it over his shoulder, and apparated out of his room at the Leaky Cauldron prepared for the worst night of his life.

In his house Remus was preparing much the same way, since he was also a recluse when it came to social functions, but James had practically begged him to come, so what could he do. He had accepted. "Social suicide," Remus whispered as he fumbled with his tie, finally giving up he, pulled out his wand, waved it, and there, it was done. Remus had always hated dressing up, but he knew this party was better than something the deatheaters would put on. Sirius had told him how stiff, and uptight those parties were; how boring they'd been; and at times how terrifying they could turn.

"Sirius," murmured Remus, a sigh in his voice, but the image in his mind turned to the other Black brother, "Why, is love so complicated?" he asked his mirror, "And why am I seeking relationship advice form inanimate objects?" he asked, a sad smile on his face, a laugh in his voice. With that he apparated straight to the Potters' mansion, prepared for an evening with all of his 'comrades in arms'.

"Good evening, Mr. Black." squeaked a house elf, by the name of Evie. Regulus always sought to be kind to house elves, but was always discreet about it. He nodded slightly at the elf, who directed him toward the main ballroom, from which the younger Black could hear rumbling voices. He slipped into the hall, about to make his way to the wall, so he could survey the room, when he was accosted by Lucius Malfoy, "A plague on both your houses," hissed Regulus under his breath, "Good evening, Lucius, Narcissa," he said, forced politeness in his tone.

"Regulus," said Narcissa, extending her hand for him to kiss.

As she moved away to greet her sister, Bellatrix; Lucius pulled him off to the side, "The Dark Lord, has a mission for you," he slipped a scroll into his hand, "All the details are enclosed." Regulus eyes widened in shock, and curiosity, but he knew he couldn't unroll the scroll here. He also knew he couldn't leave yet, once at a function, a pureblood must wait a minimum of an hour, and half before departing. With a weary sigh he slipped the note into his jacket pocket, doomed to wait there until he reached the spelled privacy of his rented room. He turned to face the room, a fake smile on his face, as he waltzed over to his hated cousin Bellatrix Lestrange, and her equally annoying counterpart Rodolphus, with the intention of striking up a conversation. However, that idea was ruined when Fenrir Greyback entered the ballroom. A wave of unexpected anger flooded through his body, as he turned to see the one person who had destroyed Remus Lupins' life forever. Enraged, Regulus, gripped his wand, withdrew it and took a menacing step toward the werewolf, wand pointed at his heart.

Remus hung his coat up on a hook in the front hall of the Potter mansion, and strolled into the brightly lit ballroom. As he entered, a wave of sound, washed over him; laughter, lively arguments, and hushed voices. "Remus," called Frank Longbottom, motioning for him to join them. Remus jogged over, and was embraced by all his friends. He was instantly drawn into the conversation; he felt happy, he felt like he was back at school. "No, don't go there," he reminded herself, school only made him think of Sirius, which made him confused all over again, but it was too late. Memories of Sirius, and him, by the lake, in the room of requirement, flying on the quidditch pitch swarmed him, encasing him in a black cloud, that had no silver lining.

Please Review, I'll give you virtual licorice wands Also, note that I might not update for a bit; but I should be back after exams.


	6. The Possibility of an Impossible Mission

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in like forever, but unfortunately, I won't be updating for another 40 or so days. I am giving up Fanfiction for Lent. This will be my second year doing this, and trust me it is not easy. By the end of these two months and a bit I should have another two or so chapters for Dear Remus. Thank you to all my wonderful readers and reviewers; and I will hopefully see you guys again in 40 days. Happy reading, and God Bless. But before I disappear completely, I wanted to extend this teaser chapter for you guys because you are utterly amazing.

Enjoy Cinderpelt

Ch. 5 The Mission of Possibility and the Impossibility of the Mission (Teaser Chapter)

Before he could make any rash movements that would give away his impromptu anger Regulus was pulled back into the crowd by the sallow skinned hand of Severus Snape. Regulus pulled against his captors grip to no avail; the man was stronger than he looked. When Snape had the younger of the Black's out of view of the main room, he rounded on the man, eyes flashing. "Can you not control yourself Black?" he hissed, his grip on the younger man's wrist tightening in the process.

Regulus was ready to snap back with a vicious comment, but held himself back; now he knew was not the time for an outburst. "Besides," he noted with surprise, "Snape doesn't really appear angry….could be that he's worried?" thought the youngest Black, a frown creasing his brow as he pondered the question.

As if he could read his mind Snape gave the man an almost imperceptible nod, and Regulus's eyes widened in shock. Before the youngest Black could open his mouth Severus spoke, "Just because your brother tried to kill me once, does not mean I hold a grudge against you. Make no mistake I would rather you never speak to me again; I have no patience for people, but as we are to be partners in this new mission of the Dark Lord's I am acting in my own interests as much as my own."

"What is this new mission?" whispered Regulus, barely moving his lips.

"Ah, Black, Snape…" intoned a hissing voice, that sounded as if a snake had somehow gained the use of a human voice box, but had run into complications rendering it permanently animalistic.

Both Deatheaters turned on their heels, and swept low bows to the man before them. Regulus, fearfully, wiped all information about his brother, Remus, and that evening from his mind; leaving his mind innocently blank. He only hoped he had gotten to his memories in time to shield them from the Dark Lord.

A whisper of robes sounded from in front of the duo who had still not yet risen, and a wand appeared in the pale hand of Voldemort. Regulus sucked in an inaudible breath, fear wracking his body as the hand raised, and that serpent like voice yelled, "Crusio!"


	7. Damn the Consequences of Laughter

_**I know, it has been forever since I updated this but here's another chapter. Read if you please, review if you wish and I own nothing but the plot. The characters all belong to J. .**_

_Previously in Dear Remus:_

_ Regulus, fearfully, wiped all information about his brother, Remus, and that evening from his mind; leaving his mind innocently blank. He only hoped he had gotten to his memories in time to shield them from the Dark Lord._

_ A whisper of robes sounded from in front of the duo who had still not yet risen, and a wand appeared in the pale hand of Voldemort. Regulus sucked in an inaudible breath, fear wracking his body as the hand raised, and that serpent like voice yelled, "Crucio!"_

A cry of pain and surprise reverberated in the ballroom while the usual sounds of the conversation dimmed but did not abate. The current party attendees were trained Deatheaters meaning that they were intelligent enough to avoid the victim of the Dark Lord's wrath while maintaing aware of their surroundings.

Regulus, let out the breath he'd been holding as he turned his head just slightly to see Greyback contorting upon the polished ballroom floor. When the Dark Lord flicked his wand slightly, suddenly cutting off the flow of pain into the werewolf's limbs. As Voldemort took a small step forward, away from Regulus and Snape the entire room finally fell silent. No one dared make a sound lest they draw their Lord's attention, which seldom occurred in a positive manner. "Failure. Can you spell that Greyback?" Voldemort queried the prone figure of the werewolf in a calm tone that set everyone present on edge. The Dark Lord was never calm - except when he was about to extract his vengeance upon someone. "Perhaps you cannot - you are a dimwitted, moronic imbecile - something you did not mention to me when you pledged me your allegiance."

Voldemort stood in front of Greyback by then who had pulled himself up into a position of submission, head hanging, sitting upon his knees with downcast eyes. "My Lord..." he began only to have his sentence cut off by another tortured being ripped from his throat as the Dark Lord stared at his convulsing form. Head tilted to the side Voldemort watched him as did every other being in the room. Abruptly, the curse was once again lifted and laughter, hoarse, coarse and shallow became the only other sound in the room besides Greyback's heavy breathing.

The Dark Lord continued to chortle as he gazed around at the circle of his followers then connected eyes with Severus. At that Snape joined in with the laughter and was swiftly followed by the remainder of the Deatheaters. They laughed with relief that they were not the object of humiliation, they laughed for the pain that they had avoided and they laughed sorrowfully for the future of how their lives would proceed. Regulus joined in with the irrational sniggering but his was close to that of his Lord; he was enjoying the abuse of Greyback. The illogical hate he felt for the man justified his laughter and the Dark Lord took note of the heartiness of his guffawing with an appreciative nod.

Shaking himself like a dog coming in from galloping through the rain, drawing more than one curious look from his comrades, Remus excused himself from Frank's company in order to acquire a drink. Firewhisky in hand he surveyed the room with quick eyes, trying to avoid making contact with others until he had at least two drinks in his system.

His plan went rather smoothly so after downing his third Firewhisky and holding his fourth in a hand he set out to survive the social construct that is a party. As luck would have it James and Lily were the first people he ran into as he skirted the dancing couples on the dance floor. "Lils, you're looking beautiful as usual," he greeted the fiery headed woman with a kiss on the cheek and clapped James into a manly, one armed hug, "And James, of course you're dashing...how are you?"

"Fine, just fine...Umm...Remus are you okay?" Lily questioned him, her green eyes sparkling with curiosity and amusement, despite her best attempts to hide it.

"Why? Am I acting strangely?" the werewolf replied, shooting her an innocent look.

"It's just I don't think I've ever seen you drink much less," Lily swiped his drink while James sniffed it and then coughed.

"Blimey mate that's Firewhisky!" James commented, coughing again. The spices of the drink having infiltrated his nostrils.

"It's a delightful concoction." replied Remus, who casually re-appropriated his drink from his friends. He swallowed down another burning shot of the substance; grinning at the blaze of heat and warmth it spread throughout his body.

"How many have you had?" inquired James, as he plucked two champagne flutes from a passing house elf's tray.

Throwing back the last dram of alcohol Remus placed his empty glass upon another tray, "Four."

Lily's eyes widened and James tensed but Remus pretended not to notice. His friends had no reason to worry about him, he was not in mourning or grieving for what he had lost. He was finally learning to live or at least trying to - something he had never had the chance to do at Hogwarts. There he had always been responsible for someone, the marauders came to mind or something, his furry little problem had always niggled at the back of his mind.

Now, was his time, his time to live, love and do as he dared and damn the consequences. Grinning at his friends who seemed to be engaged in a fierce conversation involving only their eyes as if they were trying to decide who would begin his intervention he flagged down a house elf to order another Firewhisky.

"Damn the consequences." he whispered.


	8. Dreams of Love and Missions Proposed

_**Here's another chapter - I might as well update while I'm on a roll. Read if you please, review if you wish and I own nothing but the plot. The characters all belong to J. .**_

Dawn's early light filtered in through lacy curtains that danced in hazy doubles before Remus blinked his eyes and righted them in his line of sight. An agonized groan fell from his lips as his head seemed fit to explode if its pounding was any indication. He'd become used to feeling this way in the mornings since he'd begun to experiment with the the amnesia like affects induced by excessive alcohol consumption.

He sat up slowly to take in the fact that while his over robe had been removed he had been left to sleep in his suit which was rumpled after a night of tossing and turning. Sliding off the edge of the bed he made his way over to the chair upon which his cloak had been draped over. Plunging a hand into his right pocket Remus withdrew a miniature potion bottle half filled with a sunrise orange liquid. Unstoppering the flask he took a small swallow of the substance, closing his eyes as he did.

"Bit of a ritual for you, eh?" remarked a deep voice from behind Remus, who whirled around to see, "No, it can't be..." whispered Remus, suddenly unable to speak except for one word, "Sirius?"

"The one and the same," replied the figure, his trademark smirk placed serenely upon his handsome face, "I remember when I could never get you to drink, no matter what my method of persuasion. Bet you never thought my hangover medicine would ever come in handy."

"Sirius?" Remus repeated, mouth open, eyes wide, his expression confused, almost as if one could watch his mind attempt to puzzle out this newest experience.

"That's my name, don't wear it out," Sirius responded as he swaggered over from the doorway to stand just out of arms reach of Remus, "On second thought," he took a large step that brought him nearly nose to nose with his boyfriend, "say it as much as you want."

Against his better judgement Remus leant forward to meet Sirius's lips only to have his mouth meet the carpet of his living room. It had been a dream, not the first of its kind and guilty, Remus hoped not the last.

Staring out the window of his room Regulus watched the sun emerge once again from one end of the earth, ready to begin its rotation for another day. He had not slept since he had returned from the manor, too keyed up to put his mind to rest for the night.

_Alternately, images of Remus sleeping placidly by the lake intermingled with visions of Greyback howling in pain had flashed back and forth in his mind all evening and into the dawn. _

_ The scroll from Voldemort sat in his lap, his hands fiddling with the edges, earning himself a number of shallow paper cuts that dribbled blood onto the parchment. Each drop was absorbed by the paper allowing for no stains at all. _

_Finally, as the sun climbed higher into the sky now tinted with blue instead of the moth gray of daybreak his deft fingers unrolled the edict. _

_ His stormy eyes scanned the page, then repeated his scrutinization. The paper was placed upon the bed words up as Regulus traced the writing. His index finger began to grow wet and red as each letter was outlined. By the time he had reached the bottom of the parchment his entire hand was rivered with blood and the page was blank. _

_ "_Tea. Tea is a good idea." thought Remus, as he set the kettle on and opened up his cupboards to hunt for a stray tea bag, "Cures all ills and heals all wounds." he continued, while he hummed a Back in Black by AC/DC absentmindedly.

"That is true," commented a rumbling voice from beside Remus who glanced up in surprise.

"Professor Dumbledore!" exclaimed Remus, jumping slightly, "To what do I owe this pleasure." he spoke, covering up his fatigue with a smile and turned to face Dumbledore head on.

"Please, Remus, you are no longer a student; call me Albus." greeted the Professor with a glint of a twinkle in his eyes.

"But I am still learning." interjected Remus, who pulled out two mugs out of the cupboard along with a bowl of sugar cubes and set them on the table.

"Aren't we all?" finished Dumbledore, with an acknowledging nod toward Remus, "Students of life we are Remus, forever. Life is our school."

Remus, unsure of how to respond to such a profound thought busied himself with mixing the tea. Dumbledore on the other hand occupied himself by making the chandelier above him sway back and forth using his wand, extracting a lively squeaking noise from the chains securing the light fixture to the ceiling.

Once he set the steaming mugs onto the oak table Dumbledore halted his toying with the chandelier. Stirring into six generous lumps of sugar the Headmaster focused all of his concentration onto his beverage while Remus sat lightly blowing onto his cup which he took without additions.

"You'll have deduced by now I have no doubt that Black was not indeed on a mission for the Order," began Dumbledore, while he took a sip of his tea and hummed his pleasure at the perfection of the brew upon which he commented whilst his last remark hung in the air.

"Yes, I do understand that..." trailed off Remus, who did not know how to finish his sentence, "Did you know?" he inquired in a seemingly indifferent tone.

"I suspected Sirius was at a crossroads..."began Dumbledore but was abruptly cut off by Remus who calmly but loudly interrupted the Headmaster, "We all have choices to make; everyday we find ourselves at "crossroads" as you so elegantly put it but most people don't desert people they've pledged to stand by without so much as a goodbye." breathed heavily after having rushed through his monologue Remus drank down half of his tea despite it still being scalding.

"Right you are," agreed Dumbledore in an equally calm tone that was not as hard upon the ears, "Right you are," he drained his cup, "Now, if you're quite finished Remus, I've got a real Order mission for you." The Headmaster slid a scroll of parchment tied with an onyx coloured ribbon across the table towards the werewolf who eyes it warily.

Unravelling it slowly as if it might be a Howler in disguise Remus scanned the paper swiftly, then paused, met Albus's eyes over the scroll and subsequently, re-read the words before him.

"You want me to what?" exclaimed Remus in a shocked tone touched with indignation.

"Come now, despite still being a student of life I am assured you can read Lupin," chuckled Albus, eyes still sparkling, "Unless of course you performed quite the illusionist feat at Hogwarts."

"But, I cannot, I simply, he," Remus babbled unable to form a thought much less a clear and concise one.

"Send me your answer at your earliest convenience." stated Dumbledore, tranquilly, sending the chandelier on a single last sway before dis-apparating.

Remus sank lower onto his chair and stared at the scroll before him. Unexpectedly, tears began to collect in his eyes and blurred his vision leaving only one word comprehensible, "Regulus."

_At the Leaky Cauldron Regulus traced his fingers over the now blank paper, one word from the writing seared into his memory, "Remus." he murmured in a low voice. Plucking a quill from the desk in the corner of the room and unscrewing an inkwell he set about to answer his Dark Lord. Then deciding against conventional methods he replaced the top onto the inkwell, withdrew a small dagger from a boot sheath and sliced slowly down his index finger. Dipping the quill into the bubble of blood that had swelled from the minor wound he scratched out seven letters I A-C-C-E-P-T._


	9. Severus Smiles (For Real)

**None of the characters are mine - they all belong to J. . *I'm a slow updater but I want to thank everyone who reads this story - I've recently gone back to writing fanfic and I'm hoping to finish this one over the next year. **

Regulus lay on the edge his bed at the Leaky Cauldron because no paranoid person would ever sleep in the middle of any mattress at any establishment, no matter how safe it appeared. Regulus Arcturus Black was one such person. Paranoia seemed to run in the veins of the Black family if his cousin Bellatrix was any sort of gauge. She was almost certifiably insane but no Healer would dare get near enough to her to actually issue a certificate.

Moonlight streamed through the window opposite his bed unhindered by the curtains that were pushed aside; the white light speckled the entirety of the sparsely furnished room that Regulus had been operating out of for some time. He refused to use Number 12 Grimmauld place as his home base - his parents were too suffocating with their praise over his acceptance into the Deatheaters' inner circle.

He missed his own room but Regulus had never had a true home - some place where his safety did not depend upon his demonstration of hate for his brother and all like him or where love actually existed and was not fabricated to placate his empty heart.

Eyes turned to liquid silver R.A.B slid off of the collection of sheets that passed for a made bed and gazed at the moon, his long, delicate fingers tracing its shape in the glass. "How can something so beautiful cause so much pain?" his eyes seemed to plead with the large white orb hanging in the sky but it maintained its unyielding surface. He could see the coldness now, feel the rejection projected by the white flames of light reflected upon the wood panels of the floor.

A soft noise sounded behind him and within two seconds a dresser had flown across the floor to attack the assailant entering Regulus' room. Said piece of furniture exploded into minute slivers in the next instant to reveal two men, both in duelling stances facing each other. Regulus' back was now to the window, casting his entire body in shadow, giving him a dark, unforgiving look. The unwarranted entrant was tall, taller than Regulus and cloaked in black fabric that had surely seen better days. The shoes of the possible attacker though were green leather, well polished and kept up while the rest of the man's appearance could have used some extra care.

"Severus." stated Regulus, still not relaxing his stance or his wand but allowing his face to twist from its previous glare to let his lips rest in a simple, calculating line.

"How ever did you guess?" intoned the other man, his voice seemingly bored but Regulus knew he was actually curious.

"The shoes." A conceding nod was made by Severus while he removed the hood from his head, "At least you seem to be somewhat observant, though…" he trailed off, observing the wreckage of the dresser with an expression one manifests after having bit into a lemon, "this was unnecessary," he nudged a larger piece of wood with a foot, "a simple curse would have sufficed. Though you never were traditional in that respect Black." Snape added the last phrase quietly as if he was speaking to himself.

"You want to make something of it Severus?" queried Regulus casually though with a hint of ice in his tone, he walked away from the window and with a glance at the dresser reassembled it. Meeting Severus' gaze again, Regulus could have sworn he saw a hint of pride in their depths but that could have been the joyful aspect of his paranoia, imagining people really cared for him.

As if he could read minds, which in retrospective Regulus knew he could, Snape spoke, "You always exceeded expectations with wandless magic; it is…" Severus paused as if to say the next word would cause him great distress and Regulus smirked inside, "admirable." spat Snape quickly, "However, I am not here to pet your ego."

"You certainly have need of it though." thought Severus privately as he evaluated the young man in front of him. Just like most Deatheaters Regulus was a pureblood but he was lacking in the over confidence, the smugness, the hate for others, "He would have done well in Gryffindor." continued Severus' private thoughts and although he would attest to that fact even under threat of death Snape had to agree with his inner musings.

"I assume this is not a social call Severus? Unless of course you were hoping to capitalize upon the Muggle tradition of it's five o'clock somewhere; nevertheless the middle of the night is hardly an acceptable time to pay a visit to your colleague is it?" rambled Regulus, who sometimes could not stop talking and was aiming to not demonstrate his own curiosity about Snape's visit. Particularly, the timing of it.

"A true warrior must always be ready to react no matter the timing of the attack." sent back Snape, then without a pause extended his pale hand toward Regulus.

"Is it really that tiring to use words Severus?" asked Regulus as a sheaf of papers littered across the floor organized themselves into a neat stack and flew into Severus' outstretched hand.

"It's simply unnecessary sometimes." echoed a voice in Regulus' head. Regulus glared at Snape who was not smirking now but smiling, slightly but still - it was a victory.

"Get out of my head you tosser." said Regulus flatly.

"Not my fault you left the garden gate open." responded Snape though the majority of his attention seemed to be focused on the papers in his hand. "Everything seems to be in order." he announced after about ten minutes of silence, "Your cover story is quite convincing, I myself am almost tempted to believe it."

"What's that supposed to mean Snape?" asked Regulus flatly, his face a mask and his mind firmly locked behind a solid door of secrets.

"It means be careful Regulus." stated Severus simply as he walked toward the door to the hallway but just before he exited he looked back, "Oh, and be sure to give Malfoy hell - no one will begrudge you that, least of all me." with another slight smile Severus Snape vanished.

**Please Read and Review **


	10. Of Loose Floor Boards and Tomorrows

**None of the characters are mine - they all belong to J. . *I****'****m a slow updater but I want to thank everyone who reads this story - I****'****m excited to keep this up and to put out this chapter! **

Remus hated crying but he found that he had been doing quite a lot of it lately. After Dumbledore's visit he had needed some fresh air to clear his head and not for the first time he found himself wishing he could be an animagus like his friends. It would be freeing to collapse into the form of an animal and care for nothing except sleep, food and play. He had often drawn out pictures of what animal he would take as his animagus form - it would be a russet coloured wolf - rare, beautiful and strong.

He had never showed anyone those drawings, not even Sirius had known about the loose floor board under the bed that hid the rest of Remus' secrets - the ones he would not, could not tell the rest of the Marauders. The drawings were only the tip of the iceberg. The advanced Muggle Studies text was also there among a muddle of newspaper clippings, boxes, everything really that made up who he saw himself to be when no one else was looking was contained in that hiding spot. Remus had placed an undetectable extension charm upon the wood in order to keep everything down there - in one place - away from prying eyes.

So, he had to settle for wrapping his red and gold Gryffindor scarf around his neck despite the fact that it wasn't even close to winter the weight of fabric was solid and reassuring. It smelled like rain or at least that what it was supposed to smell like according to the advertisements on the Bounce Sheets box. Remus had always liked to do things the Muggle way just in case he one day found himself pushed out of the wizarding world because of his condition.

Before Remus strolled down the street he made sure to lock the door, both magically and in the muggle manner. He loved the house - it was not a cottage but not a towering monstrosity either. There was a basement, an unusual occurrence; however, it really used to be a shelter during the Second World War. Frequently, practice sessions occurred down there - Remus had his kickboxing kit down there along with his standard boxing gloves along with his fencing foils. Sirius had never really ventured down - he felt trapped underground; he had felt trapped buying the house too but he had done so for Remus. It mattered to Remus, it made him happy so he did it. Obviously, that no longer mattered.

The neighbourhood was a quiet one, perfectly suited for two wizards trying to maintain a cover. There was a small high street, a church, a graveyard and a great expanse of green farmer's field just over the hill. The field belonged to a local family who basically had given up the land for the town. One was not a true resident until one had discovered their path, literally. Remus' went from the crest of the hill, down by the fences were fog settled early in the morning and late in the afternoon making him disappear and he would continue into the woods comprised of oaks and evergreens. It was like being back at Hogwarts. At the end of his path there was a cave where he used to transform, lately he had only been able to endure it in the basement - it didn't smell like Sirius. Rock does not maintain a scent but the ground was a different story. There were rumours of that portion of the woods being haunted by a wolf, one who had been separated from his pack and had been saved by a local boy. Eventually, the boy had been torn to shreds by his feral brother and leaving Remus' part of the woods relatively untouched. That was not where he headed now, he required no reminder of his failings and his history.

He needed to reflect and the fence would be the perfect place to do that particular action. Thinking had always been Remus' strong point, being the brain of his friend group had allowed him the out of needing to be informed about everything. Now, he needed to be informed about his mission. His _potential_ mission, he corrected himself, he had not agreed to anything yet; the problem was he knew he would. It was an accepted truth in his mind that people already knew what choices they were going to make they simply had to confront the truth.

Dumbledore wanted him to pursue someone, he couldn't even think the man's name, that would make it too permanent. Too definite. Too real. Dumbledore wanted him to play a role, sure, but the problem was that Remus wasn't too sure he would be able to make it stay a role.

**HPFF-HPFF-****HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF-HPFF**

Regulus was in his mind palace, something he had picked up from one of his favourite television shows, BBC's Sherlock. He was contemplating his life. His decisions. His _choices!_ Past and present. He was finally doing something for himself under the guise of working for the Dark Lord of course but still it was what he wanted.

Snape had approved his plan, it was all set - his plan was in motion; even now it could not be reversed. Which was good because he's sure by now he would have called the whole thing off and simply been preparing himself for taking the Dark Lord's wrath. "Tomorrow night," he thought as he gazed around his room at the Leaky Cauldron, he had ransacked it quickly to make it look as if he had been chased out. Well he had, in a way. "It's all going to change tomorrow." he whispered, wrapping his cloak around himself and shivering absently, "Tomorrow."


End file.
